The Haggis is a creature found in Scotland, created from the dreams only of a true-born Scot. Scotland in unique among all the countries of the world in that certain vapours escape through the earth’s crust where they are fermented in the Scottish lochs before escaping into the wider atmosphere. These vapours are breathed in by the Scottish where they gradually build up in the blood in only the minutest quantities. Babies exposed to these compounds in the womb are more susceptible to absorbing these vapours and as a result only a 10th-generation Scot or better will have enough of the compound in their blood to produce a haggis.
What happens is this: When a true-born Scot dreams, they slowly produce a ‘boillsgeach braghairt’, an ephemeral tubular creature that will flit around in the night before ascending to heaven at sunrise. These creatures are normally barely visible and most people disregard them as a trick of the light. However, the consistency and behaviour of a boillsgeach braghairt will change depending on what the dreamer is dreaming and when a true-born Scot dreams of the rolling Scottish hills and the sweet scent of the Scottish heather a slightly different creature is born, a ‘fleòdradh braghairt’. There are more substantial creatures that can be captured with the use of a hook and line, but have very tough flesh and an exceptionally bitter taste.
The fleòdradh braghairt were viewed as useless until a Scot named Domhnall Gille Mhuire worked out that the fleòdradh braghairt could be transformed into something delicious if the dreaming Scot had been drinking alcohol the night before. Different drinks give the haggis a slightly different taste, so it is well worth going on a Haggis eating course, where you will be presented with Haggis resulting from many different dreams and beverages (Personally I recommend a haggis borne from a Scot dreaming of the Dornoch Firth who had been drinking ‘Glen Garioch’).
When a true Haggis is born, rather than appearing above its dreamer’s head, it will appear in the landscape of the dreamer’s dream – hence haggis-catchers (‘prainnseag-sealgair’) will camp out in Scotland’s areas of outstanding natural beauty and hunt in the small hours of the morning.
Hunting the haggis is quite simple. A rotting vegetable (often a cabbage) is soaked in vinegar and scotch and put on a wooden spike. The Haggis is attracted by the smell but knocked out by the scotch. After that the prainnseag-sealgair can just despatch the haggis by knocking it on the head end and then the wings are dissolved off by rubbing it in pig fat and immersing it in a stream for 3 days.
